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if we were rational animals, we’d be enjoying ourselves as much as that coked-up guy in jean shorts playing “holland, 1945” by the corner
but we have put away childish things

we have renamed our playlists “shit we liked in high school” on spotify

it’s sad. i am 18 tomorrow & still can’t understand the world’s subtler machinations 
but hell, william james could only understand hegel under the influence of nitrous oxide

none of that is really important right now.
i’ve decided that the only important things to think about are the things that make me happy
like or share if you agree

i want you to call me out for the dumb things i say in front of the entire Whole Foods parking lot
i’m ready to face God
i want all my past deeds to be judged and then receive a bullet-pointed Quality Improvement Report from the Divine

i want you to imagine a teenage william james inhaling whippits before reading hegel
now imagine him furtively returning the unusable Whip-It bottles to the family refrigerator before his parents find out

if you think this is funny i think we will be friends

only if we all get to be groomspeople and also there is cake

Is This Poem an Exertion of My Phallus Upon the World?

That’s just battered blue baggage dangling 
Off the ivory cocktower— or woodside cottage, 
If that’s your thing— so size up boys and lets 
Take our time. 
I check the cock of time and 
See George tall with false teeth, Tommy in pomp 
With fur coat, and even old Franky balding behind self-made spectacles and 
Ruler in hand marking on the walls their exact size. Exact is the word I use too 
Because it makes me feel better and sound approximate. So exact stands tall— 
Or maybe small, if that’s your thing— and they too size up to find a disproportionate with 
Honest Abe who shows up at the last possible second with an American Bulldog hanging from his 
Ivory cocktower totally obscuring any proper base to tip measurement. 
What do you call that baggage? 
But Mary Todd breaks up the dispute by whipping out her own and saying,
“Well what do you think happens when your husband sleeps with other men at night and by day 
Leads a country divided? It all converges right here, right into this, that’s what happens!” 
And the clock stops. 
I start again and find more men: we got Eddie Poe and Ralph Wal-wal-TO THE WALLS-Waldo and of course Homeboy Thoreau and one’s talking 
About how it’s only because he couldn’t quite settle on the God thing and another one’s talking 
About what opium REALLY does to the system and another one is talking 
About his current base to tip problem based on that neckbeard that is definitely choking that chicken. 
That bastard Melville waltzes in poor, starving, abjectly abandoned, and mightily moving through the room. 
He is the one who laughs. 
They all know about the size of his Dick. A clear winner. No one can top that by any base to tip calculation. 
And I finish checking the clock to come to my own cock and I see 
Its shriveled, scared because of the big world— but mostly not too big at this point— and the ever reaching 
Hand hoping to find the right measurement.
Anonymous: (i am sloth city's biggest fan)

we’re yours too, babe


I lost sight of you when the floor swallowed me whole and I was
Left to look up over the globs of hair rolling around and laughing because
You took the vacuum cleaner with you
Out the door-

The only thing I could do was untangle myself from the strands of carpet and
Ask them what they thought about it before they began to chant the
Last thing you said, “It’s best if I just take this and leave”

Like what does that have to do with the car you stole and drove off
Into the river when I tried to clean them up 

Why is it me who is lying on this damn floor when I didn’t do anything that was



do u like what u see ??

You are looking at Orion’s Belt
made of zits

on my chin.

You are the waffle in me
when i am feeling OK.

right now i am not feeling OK.

i am the waffle house fake butter.
Rap Videos are the only thing
propping up my brain-canvas,
and you are the only one sending me links to Rap Videos.

I am thirsty and alone,
popping cashews in the club
because I can’t afford a drink.

also I brought the cashews

When You Pet Me It’s Like The Birth Of The Cosmos

White celestial night we ran around
Cutting the curbs
Scratching the bugs in our ears
So we could hear the voices miles behind

A pitch different and we streaked back 
To where they stood under the stars 
Throwing down the beers and running hands
Through our hairs standing on end

Out across black fields, endless, I loved this moment more than anymore
Until you called my name and again fell in love with that moment all the same

your steam name is stupid and also so are you

by marianna hagler

yeah sometimes i do check your facebook profile

i sort of miss you so what
if you don’t want me looking at you
why did you set everything on your profile
to “public” huh yeah that’s what i thought
i bet you look at mine too

or you would—
but mine’s set to “friends only”
and some of it is even “only me”

i am a private person
unlike you

(you are playing sid meier’s
civilization v right now and
i am sad eating
ritz crackers)

(Source: ogslothcity)

birmingham, b.c.

what we have built on

has swallowed us up;
the fig tree decayed
and the deck bent past breaking,
the bushes now grown
past their old overgrowth, 
marble saints buried 
and glazed in red clay

the ground that predates us
returns to its origin,
to unconscious growth
and regeneration,
circulates back
to a vast cycle’s end;
payment for some great ancient sin

(Source: ogslothcity)

oval office

by Jared McSwain

i am alive and you are alive and the sun just broke the horizon 
and the wind is whipping and the heat is sweltering
and somewhere President Obama is standing naked in the shower
or outside on the designated smoking area patio of the White House with a Cowboy Killer so lets go do something while we are ecstatically breathing

(Source: ogslothcity)


sarah palin memoir flarf 1

reblogging some of my favorite old stuff today so #DealWithIt

(i am a vain person.)

my head is a vapor:
then vanishes.

email me an exhaustive list
of Unforgivable Things I’ve Said
(including “i will be happier when you are gone”
and every time i’ve bragged about
my kindergarten reading level –
of a respectable percentile,
rest assured.)

i will relegate it to “trash” –
“delete forever” –
a false and otherworldly sense of absolution

(wash away my iniquity,
cleanse me of my sin.)


the workman is nailing the shingles above my window 
as i read Zizek articles on the dangers of austerity
& the inevitable crisis of Western democracy

this is the summer of bourgie guilt

(bang) the promises of the welfare (bang) state
have yielded to the (bang) brutality of austerity (bang)
while the (bang) mainstream left tacitly validates
the capitalist (bang) system (bang) at large

there’s no doubt about it; i’m a very special boy
even the days when i seem shiftless
are spent Creating Content

if there is any problem,
it is that I am too much in the world;
i wallow through the afternoons, head
crowded with words i half-understand

but not tonight;
now i am a self-destructive dynamo 
from a night far hipper than this one
i am MC Ride on the balcony of Chateau Marmont
i’m here to tear shit up and go home crying


This guy at the doctor’s office with the chain wallet and the Ray-Ban eyeglasses -
do you think he eats pussy?
i took a freshman Ethics class and that’s what they said was the first question we should worry about
the second question was about chain wallets but i’m really more curious about the first

ya know
people are pretty fucking careless these days about how they compile their playlists
a lot is at stake, man
good playlists are the only things separating us from animals

I saw your new Good Vibes playlist.
It wasn’t as good as Sun Jamz 2003, but then again what is
What happened to the ‘z’?
why are different things cool now

I saw your new Girlfriend
I never thought you could fall in love with a woman of that face type
it seems like a good flavor
I’m happy for you and your new-face lady.

‘I just really believe in multitasking’
you say after describing a string of infidelities
‘It’s just like switching tabs, man.
Google shoulda fuckin invented interpersonal relationships.’

if you can’t sext and change a tire at the same time
you’re basically a puritan 
and you don’t deserve love